Breaking Free: My Public Repentance and Commitment to Freedom

Posting this publicly, I feel a little like Paul writing to the churches—except instead of giving instruction or correction, I’m coming to you with my shortcomings. (Which I guess is like him too, being a chief sinner.) This is a public repentance, an accountability moment, and a declaration of my next steps.

For those who don’t know, I have battled multiple addictions in my life—four, if we count cigarettes. I quit smoking on October 14, 2008, and I haven’t had a puff since. It took me an entire year to talk myself out of going back, but through that struggle, I learned a little of what it takes to truly break free. But there were three other addictions that have held on even tighter: love, alcohol, and cannabis.

The First Addiction: Love

Love was my gateway drug. It led me into toxic cycles, into unhealthy behaviors, and into relationships that were more about survival than about love. I wanted to feel safe, protected, wanted, and cherished. But instead, I was hurt, betrayed, and discarded by people who never carried the same loyalty I gave them. Yet, I believed the lie that I couldn’t give up on love. And so, I stayed—through the toxicity, through the pain—because I was conditioned to believe that love endures all things, even when it was never love to begin with.

The Pain of Relapse

In 2022, I was retraumatized through domestic violence, experiencing physical abuse for the first time. And worse yet, it came wrapped in a spiritual disguise—sold to me as a relationship that was "for God," that we were "meant to be together." That false hope became a chain, binding me to a trauma bond I didn’t even recognize at first. It’s insidious, how abuse can masquerade as something holy.

I tried to heal, tried to move on. I lived in a sober-living home, worked with a Christian trauma counselor, and sought godly wisdom. But then, a conversation with my husband—a man I now know was never meant to be my husband—led me back to an old stronghold. We were separated at the time. On a call talking about the importance of sobriety, and by the end of the call, we were both picking up from a dispensary and smoking together on the phone. At first, I thought it was a breakthrough. I thought maybe we had turned a corner. But the next morning, I woke up convicted.

I had returned to a yoke of bondage. Like a dog returns to vomit!

It hit me hard—how deeply I had been conditioned to believe that a "good, godly wife" does whatever her husband asks, no matter what it is. That if I endured enough, loved enough, suffered enough, he would see Christ in me and change. That misquoted interpretation of 1 Peter 3 kept me in bondage for far too long. But the truth is, God never put us together—our flesh did.

The Battle of Flesh and Spirit

Paul said in Romans 7:15 (paraphrased), "I do not do what I want to do, but what I hate, I do." I feel that war between flesh and spirit deep in my soul.

Even more than quitting cigarettes, I do know what true freedom feels like. On March 17, 2023, I broke free from alcohol—one of the hardest strongholds I ever had to surrender. I walked away, never looking back. And I know that same deliverance is possible from cannabis.

Cannabis has been a crutch, a comfort, a tool I’ve used to numb my pain, to cope with trauma, to function when my nervous system felt like it was shutting down. And while I acknowledge that it has medicinal properties, for me, it became an addiction. I made it 8 ½ months sober in 2024—the longest I’ve ever gone—but I fell. And I had to face the reality that nothing out there truly helps people break free from cannabis addiction. There are programs for alcohol, drugs, and even gambling, but when it comes to cannabis, unless you’re battling something "worse," help is hard to find.

So, I decided to build what I couldn’t find.

A New Path to Freedom

Over the last few weeks I have been working tirelessly on a program to break free from cannabis addiction for good—a program rooted in trauma recovery and biblical principles, a process that will help others like me finally step into complete freedom. But before I release it, I am putting myself through it.

That means stepping away for a time, allowing God to do what only He can do. The podcast will continue—everything has already been written and scheduled, and in a way that only God could orchestrate, the messages are aligning perfectly with this season of my life. It’s confirmation that the Holy Spirit has been leading this all along.

My Public Repentance

I have to be honest. I should have been more open when I slipped back into smoking. Keeping it hidden has hurt the people I love most, and for that, I am deeply sorry and repent. It has grieved my heart that my actions have disappointed them. But even more, I know that I fell short of my commitment to Christ.

Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). That isn’t just about the Ten Commandments—it’s about every personal conviction He speaks into our lives. He has been convicting me about cannabis, and now, it’s time to fully let it go.

The people I love have boundaries, and one of them is that this cannot be a part of my life if I want to be apart of theirs. I want them in my life and I want freedom more than I want any temporary comfort. So, I am laying it down.

Breaking Free for Good

I truly believe that this program, that God taught me, will be a path to complete deliverance from cannabis addiction. When the time is right, I will return to help other captives break their chains as well. Because addiction is a thief. It steals time, energy, and destiny. But Jesus came to set the captives free, and I refuse to stay bound any longer.

This is my moment of surrender.

This is my leap of faith.

Healing is possible.

Freedom is already mine.

Deliverance is now!

In Jesus mighty Name! Amen and Amen