Reactive Abuse, Narcissism & Taking Back Control: A New Level of Healing

I need you to read this with both grace and discernment. And more than that—I need you to not hear what I’m not saying.

This isn’t about accepting blame for someone else’s abusive behavior. This isn’t about saying, “If I had just been better, it wouldn’t have happened.” Because let’s be clear:

He is still responsible for his actions. Spiritually, as a spouse, emotionally, and in every other way—he is responsible.

But what this is about… is me taking responsibility for mine.

🧠 The Manipulation Tactic Narcissists Count On

Reactive abuse is one of the most twisted tools in a narcissist's toolbox.

It happens when someone pushes, pokes, provokes—until you explode.And then suddenly… you're the problem. You're “crazy. ”You're “unstable.” You're “abusive.”

That moment—when you lose control—is the exact moment the narcissist flips the script and claims victimhood.

And it works. Because it plays into a system that already protects the loudest voice in the room and silences the one screaming for help.

But here’s the truth: You are not crazy. You were reacting to years of emotional warfare.

However… if we’re not careful—those reactions can become who we are.

🧍🏽‍♀️From Worms to Warriors: The Childlike Nature of Abuse

Picture a little boy putting worms in a little girl’s face. Why does he do it?

For the reaction.

He doesn’t do it because he loves worms. He does it because he loves control. And if she screams? If she cries? He feels powerful. Superior. Entertained.

But when she stands still…When she stops reacting…She becomes boring. Unpredictable. No longer a source of satisfaction.

That, my friend, is what survivors call gray rocking—a method used to emotionally detach and disarm manipulation. But this is deeper than a tactic. This is about spiritual and emotional mastery.

🎯 Learning to Respond, Not React

This is the shift God began to walk me through:

“Daughter, you cannot control what others do… but you can control what you do.”

Reacting is easy. It’s primal. It’s human.

Responding? That’s maturity. That’s healing. That’s Christlike.

Jesus was never reactive. Even in betrayal, mockery, manipulation—He responded with purpose.

When Peter drew his sword and cut off a soldier’s ear out of emotion, Jesus said, “No more of this.” He picked up the ear and put the wound back together—even while being arrested.

He didn’t react. He responded.

And that’s the call.

🔥 Don’t Let Reactive Abuse Become Your Identity

Here’s where it gets real:

Many narcissists were once victims of childhood abuse. What started as reactive behavior in trauma…Turned into a personality that never got checked. Never healed. Never surrendered.

And now? They abuse in the name of pain. They control in the name of self-preservation. They manipulate to avoid vulnerability.

This is the danger.

When therapists coddle the reactive part of our story without accountability, we begin to think that our trauma gives us a free pass to hurt others.

But as followers of Christ, we are called to something higher. We don’t weaponize our wounds. We surrender them.

🧎🏽‍♀️This is not about blame. It’s about breakthrough.

This isn’t about saying everything was your fault. It’s about refusing to let your pain decide your future.

It’s about rising above the chaos, even if you were born into it. It’s about learning how to pause, pray, and respond—not scream, spiral, and repeat.

It’s about being honest enough to say: “Maybe I didn’t start the fire… but I threw gasoline on it.”

And then having the courage to say: “But today, I choose living water.”

💬 Final Thoughts

If this stirred something in you, that’s okay. It means there’s still room to grow. There’s still space to heal. And that’s beautiful.

You are not powerless. You are not your past. And you don’t have to become what hurt you.

You were made to be whole. You were made to be free. And you were made to respond—just like Jesus did.

So take a breath. Take responsibility. And take your power back.

🎧 Ready to Go Deeper?

If this blog stirred something in you… I invite you to listen to the accompanying podcast episode where I go even deeper.

In it, I confess how God revealed my own abusive behaviors—and asked me a hard question:"Are you brave enough to face this?"

That podcast is me saying yes.

It’s raw. It’s honest. It’s not about blaming others—it’s about facing myself and taking full responsibility for the part I played.

If you're ready to break the cycle, take ownership, and truly heal…👉🏽 Listen now to When the Victim Becomes the Abuser

You’re not alone. You’re not beyond redemption. And you’re braver than you think. 💥🕊️